


Unstable Stranger

by jerogc8, sinful_idiot



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Amnesia, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Domestic Violence, Homophobia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rejection, Self-Harm, Sexual Confusion, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-07-21 16:24:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7394857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jerogc8/pseuds/jerogc8, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinful_idiot/pseuds/sinful_idiot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky couldn't accept his feelings for Steve at first, but when he did it was already too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there guys, so... This is our first attempt of trying to make a facfiction. I'm saying our because I'm writing this with a friend, who currently doesn't have an account in here. As soon as she gets it I'll make sure I let you guys know. Sorry if there are any mistakes, and well, without further ado, here is our first fic. Hope you like it.
> 
> Warning: Homophobic language

I remember when we kissed. 

It was a saturday, way colder than usual, but you wanted to go out, so we did. On our way, we came across with some girls. Sandy and Lauren, or was it Mandy and Ellen? I can’t remember, fuck I can’t even remember how their faces looked like, the only thing I wanted to remember from that night, was you.

You were wearing that fucking blue jacket of yours, but that was no surprise at all, after all it was your favorite, to be honest, it was my favorite too, along with the only pair of shoes you owned, covered with a bit of dirt, and how could I forget your skinny black jeans, the ones that you only wore when we went out. 

When we got to the bar, we picked the same table as always, our table. We started talking to the girls, and everything was going just fine but at one point something was said that made you blush, fucking blush, and I lost control, I babbled that I wanted to go to the bathroom and I ran.

After I locked myself in the bathroom, I washed my face, and my reflection tried to convince me, that I was okay, that my heart wasn’t pounding because of you, but it didn’t work, you just were too damn cute. When I came back, even before I sat down, one of the girls began talking to me. They were leaving. I asked why, they said that you weren’t what they were looking for in a man. What a bunch of bitches. I mean, how fucking dare they?! They were willing to leave the most nice, sweet and perfect guy ever to go search for some douchebags that would only fuck them and run away.

We walked home without saying a word, but to be honest I was trying to figure out what you were thinking about, even though I knew it was not necessary, you were going to tell me just as soon as we got home. I knew you were drunk. I could even smell it. 

As weird as it may sound, it didn’t seem right to speak to you, so I didn’t. 

It was then when you started crying. Big round tears, falling one at a time at first, but after a few seconds, the water wouldn’t stop flowing down your face. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by that, it was the first time you cried since your mom had died, you were crying for the first time in three years. I waited for you to calm down, and when you did, you hesitantly opened your mouth to let out a single word.

“Why?” 

“What?” Was the only thing I was able to say at that moment.

“Why does everyone leave me? Why am I not attractive to someone? Why can’t anyone just give me a chance?” Your eyes began to water again.

“Steve…”

“I didn’t fucking choose to be like this! Don’t you think I want to change? Don’t you think that I wouldn’t choose to be someone else?”

“Steve you are fine. You are perfect just the way you are. Don’t let…”

“Anyone tell you otherwise yeah, yeah. Bucky, you’ve always told me that.” You let out a huge sigh before you spoke again “ But don’t you think that if everyone tells me the same shit, it’s because they might be telling the truth?”

“Steve, you are drunk.”

“Buck! I’m fine, in fact I’m better than ever before. I can finally think with clarity, I can finally see the truth instead of trying to convince me that everything is going to be fine. Now I can realize just how useless I am. I didn’t get accepted in art school because I fucking suck. I can’t get someone to like me because I’m ugly. I’m a fucking walking stick that gets sick just by going out without a jacket. I’m a failure Buck! And yet I still don’t know.”

“You don’t know what?” Now my eyes started to water.

“Why are you still with me?”

I couldn’t breathe. I stopped thinking. I just looked at you.

“Why are you my friend?”

“Because you are perfect” Those words came out of my mouth even without thinking them. “You are funny, intelligent, kind. You have helped me more than anyone. I should be the one asking why you’re still my friend. Why would you want to be friends with some useless jerk that couldn’t even make it to college, a jerk that is only useful for hooking up with girls. Besides, you always help me keeping my self at bay, you always look out for me whenever I’m about to do something stupid. You’re always there whenever I need you. Stevie, I...”

Man, you were shocked. Pff I think you didn’t expect me to answer, and clearly you weren’t expecting that answer, because you only stood there for about five minutes, without saying a single word, you probably didn’t blink either. I was about to ask you if you were feeling alright, but then you did something that caught me totally off guard: you threw yourself at me.

You kissed me! I didn’t move at first, heck I couldn’t even think; So I didn’t, I just wanted to feel, and it felt so damn good, I loved the jolt of electricity that went through my body, it was something I’ve never felt before. My apartment was cold as always, but the heat was spreading through our mouths, and when you decided to carefully slid your tongue in, I fell in complete ecstasy. It was different, it was amazing and I wanted more. When I was about to wrap my hands around your head, you stepped back ending the kiss and leaving me completely hopeless.

“Thank you Buck. For everything.”

At that second, reality hit me. You were drunk. There was no way that you kissed me because you felt the same way, you kissed me just because you were drunk and that was probably an act of desperation, you just felt lonely and you thought that by kissing me you would feel a little less miserable. Yes, that must have been it.  
You didn’t love me.

“Any time. Now let’s go to sleep.” I needed to cry, the realization of what just happened was just too overwhelming, but I couldn’t let you hear me cry, so I went to the kitchen, where I pretended to get some water for you, but meanwhile my chest was moving heavily and my hands got wet because of the silent tears I refused to show you.

We both walked to my room. While I was trying to ignore the awkwardness and the pain, you went for the bed right away, the only bed in the whole apartment.  
We never had a problem when it came to sharing a bed. But this time I wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle it, my instinct told me I wouldn’t. As always, i didn’t listen to my fucking instinct.  
You slipped down the blanket and closed your eyes. I remember just sitting on the other side of the bed, still thinking about what happened. 

You fell asleep looking amazingly peaceful, despite having your eyelids swollen and red for all the crying. I caught myself with the desire of touching your face, I needed to kiss you again, to tell you that everything would be ok, but I knew that was a stupid thing to do. You were asleep already, but even if you weren’t, I couldn’t have done anything because I had already convinced myself of the fact that you didn’t feel the same way and you probably never would.

Then I entered the bed. To be honest, that was a completely useless since I couldn’t sleep, not with all these feelings tormenting my head. A part of me was sure that my feelings for you shouldn’t exist, that part was constantly reminding me of the fact that we are both men and because of that I should just feel this type of stuff with chicks.  
But the other part was shouting that what I felt for you was much more than just a friendship, that I was falling madly, hopelessly and stupidly in love with you.

But something didn’t feel quite right… was that really me? Did I really think that way? Was I the one saying those things?

Even before I was able to answer myself, you rolled to my side and then you fucking placed your arm over me! It was amazing. I just tilted my head a little to the side and it was then when the smell of your your hair invaded my body. Of course, your hair had the most perfect scent of all time, it fucking smelled like oranges.  
I buried my face in your hair and let my mind wander with beautiful fantasies of you. This was all I needed to, stop with my worries and finally sleep. At least for that night

I removed your hair from your forehead and planted a kiss on it.  
“Good night Stevie” was all I said before I fell asleep.

The next morning, of course you didn’t remembered the kiss. I fucking knew that would happen, but I don’t know, part of me hoped for you to remember. But it was ok, I wasn’t really bothered by it, maybe just a little disappointed, maybe.

The days passed as usual, you went to your job, whichever you had at that time, I think you were a janitor in a local museum, or maybe a waiter. I don’t fucking remember. You always changed your job because you thought you weren’t good enough to do anything and you didn’t trust your art to be worthy of making money out of.  
I always told you that you were amazing, because you were! You still are, but obviously you never believed that.  
But, heck Steve, I must tell you that when you showed me your drawings and paintings you were submitting to that university, I immediately fell in love with them. I really thought things would get better for you Stevie, and I am constantly remembering the fact that if you had followed your dreams, you wouldn’t be here. 

It was my fault. I started acting different when I was with you, I was too damn afraid of my own feelings and I truly believed that they would disappear if I just started ignoring you. I thought that I was doing the right thing, I thought that I was protecting you from something bigger than us, but now I know that I was just protecting myself from something so simple, that I didn’t realize that I just needed to face it instead of running away from it. 

It all started because of my parents, they never liked the idea of us spending time together, even if we were only friends. 

But it wasn’t always like that, at first they were extremely pleased about how I started being more social, even if I only had one friend, and that was you. 

But then the years went by, we started growing older, we entered puberty, we were changing.

There is a night that I remember perfectly, the night when my parents dragged me into their room, sat me on their bed. They wanted to talk to me.

“James” as my mother started talking I knew this was probably a serious talk, since she only called me by my full name when it was. “We know that this is a difficult age for you and I get that, you have been changing greatly for the past months”  
“And you should know more about it.” Said suddenly my father.

The conversation went by. I already knew pretty much everything about the birds and the bees bullshit, but then my father told me something that left me breathless. 

“I think you should stop hanging out with Steve for a while, you need to go out with girls.” He was dead serious.

“What? Why?” My voice sounded way harsher than I wanted to.

I honestly couldn’t think of a single reason of why he would tell me that.

But apparently my father wasn’t expecting me to be so angry about it , because all of a sudden he turned red and his face transformed into one I have never seen before, his face showed pure hatred.

“Because he is a goddamn faggot!”

I don’t even know what I was thinking back then, but I just felt so angry, I wanted him to apologize for saying such a thing about you.

“James! Calm down!” my ma’ said when she saw me grabbing my father's shirt.  
“James, please don’t take this so badly the only thing we are trying to say is that” She stopped for a second, but then she looked at me straight in the eye and continue talking. “We think that Steve might not like girls. And we just don’t want him to change you.”

What the fuck was that even supposed to mean?!

“But he is my friend! Of course I won’t leave him.” 

I remember to suddenly feel my right cheek burning. I looked up, just to find my father with that fucking expression still on his face.

“You are straight up fucking stupid if you think that was a question!” He yelled.  
“You will not have a fag for a friend and I swear I won’t have my son turning into one of them. But if you don’t want to let go of Steve that badly” I still hate the way he spat your name. “Just tell me and from this moment on you will stop being a member of the Barnes family”

I just stayed silent, but of course my father couldn’t just let it be. So the slaps came again, after, I think it was 5, he punched me. I felt blood falling from my nose. My mother stopped him, before the situation turned worse. He took a few breaths before asking me again.

“So? Tell me!”

And I said something I shouldn’t have. Ever.

“No, dad. I...I will stop hanging out with Steve. I promise you. You don’t have to worry about having a faggot for a son.” He didn’t look like he believed a single word.

“I swear dad. Just , please.... Stop” His expression softened.

I still don’t even know the reason of why I said that, I don’t know if that was really the way I felt, or if I was just way too scared of my father. 

After that, things went back to normal. As if nothing had happened at all. This started everything.

The next day, when I saw you, fuck, I froze, I mean I couldn’t just tell you what happened, so I didn’t tell you about my father beating me up, neither did I told you that we shouldn’t be hanging out anymore. So I didn’t, I didn’t tell you. 

Now that I think about it, I must have looked like shit, I must have looked so bad that it was even pitiful, because when I told you that we needed to start meeting each other in secret you didn’t decline my petition, you didn’t even ask any questions, and for that I will always be grateful Steve. 

We acted like always, we just smiled and moved on. Of course I never told my parents and we continued being friends. Just like always

The voice inside my head was constantly telling me that nothing had changed at all, but as the time passed, I started realizing my true feelings for you, and after you kissed me I knew that I needed to admit myself the fact that not only I had fallen in love with a man, but also that the man that I loved was the same person my parents hated, because they thought this would happen. But I was just so confused and frightened. My father’s words were still haunting me no matter how much time passed. 

I should have listened to my feelings. Even if my head was a mess, but I didn’t, your presence was just so overwhelming to me. I couldn’t even think straight if you were around. How would I be able to put my shit together if every time I thought about you, my heart ached? The answer; I didn’t know.  
So, I decided to be the greatest coward in history. I would run away from you and I signed up to the army. Worst fucking decision ever.

If I hadn’t enlisted you wouldn’t be here. If I hadn’t been the biggest son of a bitch, we both could have been happy. I could have accepted my feelings and maybe you would have felt the same way. We could have lived a happy, normal life.

Because of me, that didn’t happen. I had to ruin everything as usual.

I can’t even tell you how sorry I am. This is all my fault. I didn’t want to face my feelings, and running away just seemed easier. I’m just really sorry Stevie, if I had acted like a man you wouldn’t be here. Now I’m just resigned to wait for you to get out of here, if you ever get out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter of this work, we will upload the next chapters as soon as possible. Thank you so much for reading it, we appreciate it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this is the second chapter of our fic. My friend finally got her account, you can see her as a co-author. Hope you like this chapter, it's a longer chapter. As you might have seen, it really took us some time to finish, we're sorry. Either way hope you like it.

_ I got accepted Steve. I’m leaving tomorrow, Sorry. -Bucky _

 

Writing those words was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. Now that I think about it, I should have written more, for all I knew, it could be the last letter I’d ever write to you. Now I regret not telling you in person, I should have told you face to face, but I was afraid that if I saw you, I would change my mind and end up staying.

I didn’t do it because my proud was bigger, but now I regret it. I didn’t know it would be the last time I’d see you without the fear of losing you forever. 

 

Little did I know, it was going to get worse. 

 

First of all, they cut my hair, it was so fucking short that it wouldn’t make a difference if I just shaved it, seriously, I don’t know why they didn’t just do it.

I’m not going to lie, that was harsh, I loved my hair. Truth be told, I loved it because  _ you  _ loved it, I know this because you were always tangling your fingers in it.

 

I was given the same outfit as everyone else, a bed that looked like everyone else’s, the same flavorless food, the same training, everything was the same for everyone. 

Everyday that passed by, I lost myself a bit more. It reached a point where I could only see a stranger in the mirror. 

 

After I was deployed, fuck, everything went to hell, no, I was in hell. I wanted to come back but I couldn’t.There were times when I wanted to give up, to just drop the weapons and curl in a corner… I was a wreck. I seriously  thought of speaking to someone and tell him that this was just a mistake, that of course they wouldn’t have let me, but there was no harm in trying.

 

The only thing that kept me from doing anything stupid, was the thought of getting back to you. I know I enlisted because I needed to get away from you, but something inside me wanted to come back to you. 

Everything about you gave me life, your eyes, your smile, your scent, your laughter the way you said my name, and even how clumsy you were. I figured out that if I wanted to go back to you, I needed to keep going, to survive and do my best so I could come back with you. You became my  _ motivation _ , you were the only reason I kept fighting.

 

Some battles they were… they were not so bad. They actually went pretty good, as far as I can say.

 

Others in the other hand... God, Steve, I don’t know if I can talk about it, not even if it’s you... others went so so bad… I remember. I remember fucking everything, the fucking grenade, the screams, the blood… God…

 

Oh my God… Please… Not here… Please… Anywhere but here…

 

_ ‘No! Bucky calm down! You’re here with Steve. Just… Breathe. Yes, that’s it, breathe. Remember what they told you. Name things you can see, yes, do it now. There’s white curtains, two blue chairs, a painting on the wall. God… this is not working.’ _

 

…

 

Sorry Stevie, I thought I could do this. Guess I’m not ready, I don’t think I’ll ever be.

 

I’m gonna go now, but don’t worry, I’ll be back tomorrow. Just… Try to wake up next time okay?

 

… 

 

The way back to his apartment was a nightmare. With his chest pounding rapidly and his own sweat covering his face, he couldn’t think. 

 

He could feel people staring at him, he swore he could hear what they were thinking: “What’s up with  _ him?” _ “Honey, don’t look” “Is he on drugs?” “Don’t get close to him, he might be dangerous” “They should lock him up”. Of course no words were said. Everything was inside his head. It was his anxiety talking. Yet Again.

 

_ Just keep walking. You’re almost there Buck, almost there… You are doing just fine… You’ve done this before… Don’t mind them. _

 

_ Oh my God… they think I’m crazy, don’t they? I must look so pathetic. No please, please stop. People are judging me right now… Am I having a heart attack? That would be easier. Someone… please, someone just make it stop… God fucking dammit Buck! Can’t you just be brave for at least a moment?! How would dad react if he saw you like this? How would Steve react, huh? Steve would be so disappointed…  _

 

With every step he walked, more of this thoughts invaded his head, it looked like the streets had no end. 

 

He didn’t even know how he managed to lock the door, his hands were shaking like crazy, but he was finally home. It was finally over, at least for today. His small apartment became his own heaven, a place where he would be safe from anyone, well, anyone but him.

 

The solitude was good, it made him thankful, he wanted to thank god and every other deity he knew about, but unfortunately that feeling wouldn’t last long. 

He knew his mind was his worst enemy, and it didn’t help that he was alone. He didn’t want to deal with that type of bullshit right away, maybe tomorrow? And thus Bucky Barnes decided to do the one thing he hadn’t done since he first heard about what happened to Steve. Sleep. It didn’t last long though.

 

That night, Bucky had a dream. Luckily, he didn’t dream about the war, nor he dreamt about his father, either way, the dream was unpleasant, although it could have been worse. 

 

Oddly enough, this dream seemed familiar, actually he could have sworn he had seen it before. And he was right, unfortunately. He dreamed about the day he received the call from hospital, the day they told him about Steve.

…

 

“No… You are lying to me. Don’t joke with something like that!”  With his voice trembling like it was, it wouldn’t be a surprise if the person on the other side of the line wasn’t able to understand him.

 

“I’m very sorry sir, but this isn’t a joke. He’s in a pretty serious situation.” The female voice sounded really steady. There was no sign of hesitation in her voice, if she was lying, she wouldn’t be able to talk like that… Still, what she was saying just couldn’t be true… could it? “This number was registered as an emergency contact. The hospital decided to call, you know, just in case anything happens… We think he might not get through the night.”

 

He hung up the phone. He didn’t even close the door, he just ran as fast as he could. He needed to go to Steve’s apartment, he had to make sure that he was alright.

 

_ Don’t worry, he will be there… He’s always there, they probably confused him with someone else… right? _

 

Bucky knocked the door as if his life depended on it, and well, it was partially true. Nothing. He tried again, this time banging… Still nothing, but before banging on the door even harder than before, someone inside yelled: “I heard you alright?! I’m coming! Geez”...

 

_ Was that really him? Steve was okay after all… _

 

Before Bucky could have felt relieved, he was proven wrong when the person who answered the door wasn’t Steve, it wasn’t anybody he knew. The man had dark skin, his hair was completely black. He was wearing a red sweatshirt and grey pants. 

 

Many questions invaded Bucky’s head. ‘ _ Who the fuck is he? Why is he here? Is he working for Steve? If he is…then why is he barefoot?! Is he… something more?’ _

Before he could even think of an explanation for his own questions, he pinned the guy against the nearest wall while the glare on his face intensified.

 

“Who are you?! What did you do to Steve?! If you had anything to do with what happened to him, I swear to God, I will fucking rip you apart! Do you get that?!”

That probably wasn’t the most rational thing to do, but when it came to Steve, Bucky was not rational, he was desperate. He needed to know something about Steve. Anything.

 

“Whoa, ok, now, let’s calm down” The man’s voice was deep but soft. “My name’s Sam. Sam Wilson?”.

 

Bucky’s grip relaxed a little bit. 

 

“I still don’t know what are you doing here”.

 

“I’m taking care of this place while Steve is gone”.

 

“What do you mean ‘ _ while Steve is gone’? _ ” He had to ask, even though he already knew the answer, and he was terrified of it. He hoped that maybe it was indeed a joke.

 

“Oh… Well, uh, Steve is… he is” Sam took a deep breath “He fell in a coma.”

 

It was true. 

 

Bucky’s mind went completely blank. He couldn’t react, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t cry nor he could breathe. Just blank. Why? Just… why? Of every person he knew, of every person in the world, it had to be Steve. 

 

He felt stupid, he felt like an idiot.  _ ‘But you needed to leave him, right?’ _ It all resumed to ‘If he hadn’t left’: if he hadn’t left ,Steve would have been fine. Bucky would have kept him safe.But everything went to hell. Every single time he fought for Steve so he wouldn’t get hurt, every time he got beaten up, every time he got black eyes, every fucking time he got broken ribs just for trying to protect Steve, in the end it didn’t matter.  Because he was the one who hurt him, he was the one who put him in that coma.  He should have stayed, he should have made sure that Steve would be alright. And Bucky was the only one to blame, he acted like a child, no, he acted like a baby, like a fucking baby. 

He was too damn afraid of his own feelings.  He was such a coward, he was so selfish he didn’t think of anyone but himself, he didn’t think about how his actions would affect Steve, and now it was too late. He wanted to cry, he wanted to sleep, maybe this was just a nightmare. 

 

Sam’s voice was what made him snap from that state.

“You didn’t know…” He sounded apologetic.

 

“No, I.. I did. It’s just that, well, I didn’t want it to be true. I hoped that maybe.…” He couldn’t finish. Bucky’s eyes went to the roof; refusing to cry in front of a stranger. 

 

“We all do man” An awkward silence was produced between the two “Hey, wanna come in?”

 

Bucky thought about it for a moment, he didn’t know if he would be able to be in a place so full of Steve knowing that he might never come back.

“Okay…” His voice didn’t feel like his own anymore.

 

Everything was the same. The same walls covered with pictures of him and Steve, both smiling in all of them. The same bookshelf, full with comic books, science fiction novels and of course those cheesy love novels that Steve loved so much. The same uncomfortable couch in which they both had slept in while watching Bucky’s collection of horror movies. But, it just felt empty.

 

Bucky almost felt like tip toeing while walking in the house, for a moment he almost believed that Steve was sleeping in his room. He wasn’t. He was in a fucking hospital. In a coma. Dying. Alone.

 

“By any chance” Apparently this guy, Sam had the habit of interrupting people’s depressing thoughts. “Is your name Bucky?”

 

“What?…”

 

“Heh, it’s just that Steve wouldn’t shut up about this guy, Bucky and well… I kinda just assumed it was you since, you know, there are pictures of you all over this place.”

 

“Oh… uhm, yeah, that’s- that’s me.” A faint smile appeared on Bucky’s face as he remembered the days those pictures were taken. 

 

“In that case, I have something for you,” A small but incredibly thick, leather-covered book was in Sam’s hand. Before Bucky could grab the it, Sam backed out a little bit. “Uh… I don’t know what it says, I didn’t read it, although Steve did said some things about what he wrote in there. So… if you plan on reading it, you should take a seat.”

 

Bucky shook his head softly, it just didn’t feel right to read whatever Steve had written in that book while being in his apartment. “Thank you, but I think I’m gonna go now, after all, I just came here to check on Steve, but… “

 

“It’s okay. I get it. But please do take the journal, I think he would want you to keep it, just in case.”

 

“Thanks” Bucky grabbed the journal feeling a knot in his throat. Steve didn’t really talked about the journal, of course Bucky knew about it, but he also knew that it was very personal, he never asked Steve about it. It just didn’t feel right. 

 

“No problem”. 

 

…    
  


 

He woke up sweating, panting and crying. It was the third time that week that Bucky had had that dream, he was growing tired of it, specially since he didn’t know why he kept having it…until he realized.

 

“Oh my God..” The journal. He forgot to read it. Great job Barnes, great fucking job.

 

He opened the drawer where he kept it. He stared at it for a few seconds, hesitating to whether read or not the damn thing. 

 

_ ‘Of course I won’t read it! What the fuck are you even thinking? It’s fucking Steve’s! _ ’ Angrily, Bucky put the journal back from where he picked it up.

 

Did he really want to read Steve’s journal? Wow Buck, just wow.  He then decided to go to sleep again, or at least, he tried.

 

He kept rolling in his bed, trying to fall asleep. ‘ _ It wouldn’t hurt. Really? Fucking really? Of course it wouldn’t hurt, at least not you moron. You would betray him just because you couldn’t fall asleep? You hit a new low Barnes.’ _

 

But… he needed to know.  ‘ _ Steve wouldn’t want me to keep it if he didn’t want me to read it. Right?’ _ He wiped his eyes, giving up. If Steve never woke up, he needed to read it, not for him, but for Steve.

 

“Fuck it.” This was not the time to be concerned about Steve’s privacy. There was a reason of why Sam thought Steve would want to give it to him, even more, there was a reason why he kept having the same dream.

 

He opened the journal, extremely careful since some of the pages seemed like they could fall at any time, and he began to read. Steve’s handwriting was really pretty, clean and it looked really art-like? He didn’t know, it just looked like it.

…

 

_ ‘My therapist said that writing would help me with my problems (which means I have too many for him to handle), but just to clarify, this is not a diary, this is a JOURNAL, so now that we’re on the same page (pun totally intended) I will be writing everything about the pathetic and complete mess of a life that I have. Sounds great right?’ _

 

…

 

Bucky chuckled. Of course Steve would write that. He didn’t want to read everything right away, besides it was just too much. He decided to skip some pages and start reading.

 

…

 

_ ‘It’s been a week since my ma’ died. I really do not want to get into many details, I think it’s enough if I say I feel like shit. No matter what I do I just feel like shit, and I mean, can you really blame me? My mom just died, and usually that sort of thing makes people feel like shit. All the time. _

 

_ But you know, there’s something, well, someone that is trying really hard to make me feel better; Bucky. Today he took me to the movies because he was “Genuinely interested by the plot of the story and the complexity of the characters” he made me laugh when he said that. Of course I know that he wants to distract me for a while. I’m really grateful that he did it, at first I didn’t know if it was going to work, but honestly spending time with him is just what I need _ . H _ e has always been there, he always looks up for me, he listens to me and much more. He truly is my best friend. _

~~_ I think I’m starting to fall in love with him. _ ~~

 

_ When we were watching the movie everything went different than expected. Bucky bought tickets for a comedy to cheer me up, it worked, for the first 40 minutes. Something happened in the movie that made me remember my ma’. I didn’t want to disturb Bucky, he was so happy and cheerful, I just wanted him to enjoy the movie, it was the first time in days since I last saw Bucky smile. I stood up so I could go to the bathroom, apparently Bucky noticed, because he grabbed my hand and pulled me in for a hug. I didn’t move. It felt so good, I felt safe, I felt like nothing bad could happen to me as long as I stayed in his arms. _

_ I do love him, or at least I think so.’ _

 

…

 

Bucky’s heart stopped. Did he just really read those words? 

‘Steve loves me…’ The simple thought made him sincerely smile for the first time in years. He skipped some more pages and continued reading with a huge grin on his face.

 

…

 

‘ _ Today I went out with Bucky, it’s been a few months since he asked me to meet in secret. I still don’t know why, it doesn’t bother me, well, doesn’t bother me that much, either way I hope everything’s fine with him. He’s been acting weird. Distant, cold, maybe it’s just my imagination, but it just hurts a little. Maybe he knows how I feel about him, but I don’t think so... I just, don’t know.  _

 

_ Now I know that I love him.  _ _ How do I know that? Because every moment I get with him is more precious than anything… but it’s getting hard to be around him. There is so much I want to say, but at the same time, there is so much I can’t say.  _

 

_ I really am in love with him. I love spending time with him, I love looking at him, I love his hair, his body, his voice, the way he is, but specially his eyes, those mesmerizingly enchanting eyes; They have a special effect on me, I don’t exactly know which, the only thing I know is that every time I look at them even once, even for a split second, I find myself wanting to look at them every day for the rest of my life. Sorry, I know I’m being so… desperate?  _

_ It’s just that I really love him. _

 

_ The other day I was thinking; why should I hide my feelings? Why should I look the other way? _

 

_ Oh yes, that’s right. Because he doesn’t love me. And it’s killing me.  _ _ But if that’s the only way for Bucky to stay with me, then it will be worth it.’ _

 

…

 

Bucky felt absolutely horrible about himself. He knew he was getting distant with Steve, but he didn’t expect him to actually notice, he didn’t complained, nor he talked  about it, he thought that everything was fine.

 

…

 

‘I kissed him. I KISSED Bucky. Oh God. It was so embarrassing, not the kiss of course, but how we got into it; First of all I was drunk, yeah, probably not the best idea ever.

 

You see journal, I wanted to go out, I felt like I wasn’t really being grateful to Bucky, so I texted him that I wanted to go to his favorite bar and thankfully he said yes. We were on our way, everything was going just fine, only the two of us. Of course the fucking universe hates me so it didn’t last long, we were walking when we came across some girls, I can’t remember their names, not like I was interested anyway. I just wanted to be with Bucky, but he looked like he really wanted them to hang out with us so I didn’t complain.

 

I won’t lie, the evening wasn’t going as bad as I thought it would; we were laughing at stuff, of course those girls were most interested in Bucky, but that was no surprise at all. We drank for a couple hours, the girls were blackout drunk, and I felt a little dizzy, not drunk, at least not that much (as you may have guessed, I was wrong). Either way, everything was going fine, until Bucky suddenly looked at me and smiled. He looked so perfect, and he was looking at ME. I could feel my cheeks turning red.

 

But guess what? That’s right! I fucked it up, again. I made him uncomfortable because he ran away towards the bathroom, leaving me alone with the girls. Fucking hell! I always ruin every moment. 

 

I was upset at myself, I ruined everything. At some point my anger was directed towards the girls. I was angry at them, I felt like maybe if they hadn’t come with us, everything would have been ok. So... I did exactly what an extremely mature 18 year old would do, I ignored them, more than ignore, I basically pretended they didn’t exist, sometimes they would talk to me and I would just ignore them. Pretty mature right? NO. Of course not.  I know that was horrible and I feel bad for them, they just wanted to have a good time, but of course I had to ruin their night too.

 

Long story short. We left the bar, without the girls, and we went to Bucky’s apartment, where I cried like a baby, I remember that.  Also, I said some stupid shit I don’t want to remember.

 

What I can remember is that Bucky was really nice to me, I don’t know why, but he told me I was intelligent, funny, kind, and the he told me I was perfect! Fucking perfect! There is a certain amount of one-sided love I can handle, so when I heard those words coming out of Bucky’s mouth, I fucking lost it. Bucky told me those things! I thought it was a dream. It was all perfect, and I count keep myself under control, so I kissed him.

 

The kiss was amazing, it was warm, soft, innocent, intense. It was real. I thought that it was real. But then I remembered; I was the one who kissed him, I was the only one who felt like that, so as much as I would’ve wanted to prolong that kiss… I couldn’t do that to Bucky, not after everything he has done for me. 

 

Fucking great I know. I’m going to end up ruining everything EVEN more? Who would have thought. I made him so uneasy, god… I could feel how the way he tensed his shoulders, he didn’t move, he didn’t move at all.  I felt so bad... Bucky probably wanted to back away as soon as he felt my lips basically attacking his face.

 

So I stepped back.

~~ I regret it.’ ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading it. We will upload next chapter as soon as posible, hopefully it won't takes us as long as this one. Be sure to leave a comment, and again thank you for reading our fic.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, we're sorry it took us this long for us to post it, but finally, FINALLY, we finished it. We just had to do a lot of other stuff this week and we couldn't manage our time really well, that's completely our fault. Either way, this chapter is a little longer than usual, hope you like it.

_ ‘Bucky has been acting stranger than usual lately, there are days in which he won’t even talk to me. I know the reason behind it... He’s acting like this because of the kiss, I’m not stupid. _

 

_ But to be honest… I didn’t think it would affect him that much. Was it really that terrible for him? Am I such a bad kisser? Probably. Unlike Bucky, I don’t have enough experience, but I think I did a decent job. I tried to make it good. I wanted that kiss to be perfect, not just for me, but for Bucky, he deserves the best kiss I can give. The least I could do was to make sure that  _ _~~my~~ _ _  our kiss was “on his level”, it was our first and probably the only one after all. _

 

_ Of course the morning after we kissed I pretended I didn’t remember, I thought it would make it a lot more easier for Bucky, I didn’t want to pressure him into talking about something that would make him uncomfortable, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. But now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I did it because he hadn't mentioned it, even if he acted strange. He never said a word about it. _

 

_ I shouldn’t be surprised  though, I mean it was my fault after all. I’ve been wanting to apologize to Bucky, but it’s kinda late now, he thinks I don’t remember it. God, if he only, if he knew that I kissed him because I wanted to... he would stop being my friend, no...he would hate me. _

 

 _God fucking dammit! I ruined it. I hate myself._ _ ~~I hate the way he makes me feel...~~_ _If I could change anything..._

_~~I wish we never kissed…~~ _

 

_ I want Bucky to be happy again…  There are not enough words to express how sorry I am Bucky.’ _

 

…

 

“No. No no no, just, NO!” He felt like punching himself. Bucky didn’t know how Steve felt… He never meant to hurt him. He didn’t know he was hurting him. 

 

He was protecting him… wasn’t he? He always did… Right? 

 

He didn’t know how he was holding down his tears anymore. Steve loved him with every cell of his body. And Bucky left him alone.

 

He was such a coward.

 

He skipped a few more pages and continued reading.

 

…

 

_ ‘I wasn’t gonna write anything today. To be honest, I still don’t want to write, I don’t think I can. But I need to. I must. I gotta get this off my chest. _

 

_ I want to forget it… if I can.  _

 

_ So… Bucky wrote me a  _ _ letter _ _ message? He’s leaving. He joined the fucking army! _

_ I don’t know why I didn’t realise it earlier, probably I was in denial. I ignored all the signs. I remember seeing his uniform, I remember the day he showed up with his head almost shaved. I hoped that maybe in the end he wouldn’t go. I was wrong. _

 

_ I went to his apartment, but he was not there, I knew he wouldn’t, but I did it anyways; searched everywhere looking for him. It was useless. He was gone and I’m… broken. _

 

_ I’ve lost everything. Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky. But now I lost him too.’ _

 

_ … _

 

The journal has pages with multiple stains in them, it was obvious that Steve  had been crying when he wrote those words. The ink was so smeared that some of the paragraphs were impossible to read.

 

There was no doubt that if the next pages were similar to the last one, Steve’s tears wouldn’t be the only ones in the journal.

  
  


_ … _

 

_ I’m sorry Buck. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry about everything... I’m sorry I kissed you and I know I acted so stupid, I didn’t even stop to think of the possible consequences. I’m sorry. You should have told me you needed space. You should have told me you didn’t want to be friends anymore… I would have done everything you asked for, I really would’ve. You didn’t have to go to the other side of the fucking world just to get rid of me. I would move to another city, to another state, to another fucking country if you had asked.  _

 

_ I’m sorry Buck. I let my feelings out of control. Forgive me. Just… Please… come back. _

 

…

 

Several pages were torn after that one and when Bucky finally found a paragraph that was somewhat understandable, he didn’t hesitate to read, he needed to know everything.

 

…

 

_ If you ever get to read this... _

 

_ Bucky; _

 

_ I shouldn’t have fallen in love. At least not with you. I always knew that. I knew you would never feel the same, you are straight after all.  _

 

_ But I had hope. _

 

_ I wanted to think that our love would overcome everything. I still dream of the day in which you’ll say you love me back. But that day will never come, I know that now, I am aware that thinking like that is fucking stupid!  _

 

_ But I had hope. _

 

_ I hoped for a perfect love, a love that could only be real in novels. I didn’t suppress my feelings because I longed for the happiness I could have felt besides you. I didn’t stop loving you because I had hope.  _

 

_ But something even bigger than my love for you was the irony; I was the very one who made you leave me.  _

 

_ I’ve decided to not repeat my mistakes. _

 

_ I will wait for you, I will wait for you to come back. I don’t care if you take four, five, or even eighty years, I will always be here waiting . And when you do, I’m NEVER letting you go again. _

 

…

 

That was the last straw for Bucky. He wanted to see Steve. No. He needed to see him. Even if it was 4 in the fucking morning, which it was, he didn’t care. 

 

Was this all a dream? Was this a fucking nightmare? He wanted it to be. Steve could not be in a coma, he just couldn’t. Bucky would have given anything to change places with Steve. But he couldn’t.

 

There was one thing though, one thing he could do... With determination running through his veins, he got up from his bed, and quickly put a pair of pants, a shirt and his hoodie. He rushed through the door, not giving a rat’s ass about locking it. 

 

The second he got out of the building, he was received by the cold air punching his face, he didn’t care, he had one goal;  He had to go with Steve. He had already visited him everyday,  but that was before the journal, that was before he knew the truth. Steve loved him and… Bucky loved him too.  

Even if it was that early in the morning, the streets were full with people, but Bucky didn’t pay attention to any of them, he just continued running, thinking about how much he wanted to see Steve. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to see him laugh, he just wanted to be there for him.

 

Several times he almost got run over, the crowds were big enough to overwhelm him and even to cause him another anxiety attack, but Bucky couldn’t allow himself to be defeated, not when Steve needed him, not when he needed Steve. 

 

He ran for not much more than 30 minutes, but that was nothing compared to what he would do for Steve. 

 

He arrived to the hospital and entered slamming the door open, catching the attention of some people, not only because of his great entrance, but also because of his looks; his face, which was very poorly shaven, was incredibly pale, well, except for the purplish circles under his eyes and his once enviable shoulder-long hair was greasy and messy. It would be no surprise if he was confused for a drug-addict serial killer. 

 

The elevator was the fucking slowest thing on the planet… eventually, he got to the 4th floor. 

He knew the way to the room 409 by memory.

 

He opened the door as slowly as he could, he didn’t want to disturb Steve, which was stupid because, he knew he was in a coma, but he didn’t really know how that whole thing worked. 

Steve was lying there, completely still in the same position as ever. 

He took a moment to contemplate Steve; he looked so perfect, his cheekbones were so defined, his hair was still that light blonde Bucky loved, but his body looked so different, he was a lot taller than he used to, but it’s understandable, they had separated more than 4 years ago…also his body was way more developed than before.

And yet Steve looked tired, no, he looked exhausted, sick. He didn’t want Steve to look like that, to look… helpless. 

“Hi Stevie” Bucky said almost whispering. “Sorry if I’m intruding, it’s just… I really wanted to tell you something.”

 

He pulled a chair and moved it closer to Steve’s bed, then he sat on it and rubbed his face with his hands still cold.

 

“So… um I read your dia-, sorry, journal… Aaaand I know I shouldn’t have, but Sam (it is Sam right?) gave it to me and, well one thing led to another and… yeah…. _ Ahem _ . Anyways look, I read this thing about me…. and you know…”

Talking was way harder than Bucky thought it would, even if Steve was in a freakin’ coma.

“Focus Barnes…. what I’m trying to say is that I know that you have feelings for me. Feelings that I never even noticed…..I’m sorry. I’m sorry about many things Stevie; I’m sorry I wasn’t a good friend, I’m sorry I left you, I’m sorry I never told you how I really felt about you. I don’t even know if you’re listening, I don’t even know if… you’re gonna wake up. But it’s better late than never...”

 

Bucky stood up and moved even closer to Steve, he softly grabbed his left hand and planted a kiss in it.

 

“The thing is that I love you. I love you Steve. Only after all this time I realized it and I know it’s probably too late, but I love you so much Steve. And when you… when you wake up I will be here, waiting for you. I don’t care how long it takes, but I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I’m with you ‘till the end of the line.” 

 

He wanted to kiss him on the lips, but at the same time, his moral was yelling at him not to, so he ended up gently kissing Steve’s forehead.

 

Bucky pressed his body against the bed, and just cried all night long.

…

 

The days passed by and Bucky would visit Steve during each one of them.  It didn’t matter if it was in the morning, at noon, or even when everyone was sleeping, he would always visit him, he didn’t want Steve to wake up alone.  Countless hours Bucky spent with Steve during those days; sometime he would read to him, some other times he would put his favorite music for him and on other ones he wouldn’t say a word, he would spend the whole day looking at Steve.

 

But there were days in which would Bucky talk, telling the tale of the many different lives they could have lived. Together.  They could have lived together; they could have adopted a pet; they could have slow danced in their living room; fought about silly stuff like ‘who ate the last cookie’.

 

There were so many things that were left unfinished, so many things that never even started.

 

Eventually, the days turned into weeks, and Steve wouldn’t wake up. 

 

When the hospital called Bucky to tell him about Steve, they told him that there was the possibility of Steve dying during the first night, yet he didn’t and Bucky was so grateful because of that; he actually began to believe that his luck was changing, he thought that maybe Steve would wake up in no time, yet he didn’t. 

 

Although he didn’t want to admit it, Bucky could see Steve getting thinner and paler. But he refused to think about the worst case scenario. He wouldn’t accept that, specially because he wouldn’t lose hope, he owned Steve that much.

 

Still, Steve didn’t seem to get better. 

 

Bucky was tired of not being able to do anything to help Steve, well, he could do something for him, he could only wait, and the waiting was the worst part. 

 

He started drinking, he  didn’t want to worry anymore. 

 

He wasn’t stupid though, he knew that drinking would make everything worse , the doctors told him that he couldn’t consume alcohol while taking his meds but… a few drinks wouldn’t harm, right?

 

He only wanted everything to be over. He prayed every night for it to be over.

…

 

Steve’s birthday was almost too difficult for Bucky to handle. The streets looked like the statue of liberty had puked all over them and everyone seemed so…. happy. Too happy, it made Bucky sick, but it was understandable, it was July the 4th after all.

 

He walked slower than usual, he wasn’t even sure if he really would be able to visit Steve. But all of his doubts suddenly disappeared when he saw a certain object being displayed in a certain store. The second he saw it, he knew it’d be a perfect gift. It was so amazing. It was so….Steve.

 

Room 409 had some presents, three to be exact, Bucky figured out that probably one was from that guy he met at Steve’s, Sam, which was really not surprising, Steve was really charming, he was really a catch, yet Bucky didn’t know why no girl was interested in Steve, he didn’t knew from whom were the other presents.

 

There was someone else in the room, someone Bucky had never seen before, a woman with flaming red hair.

 

“Hello…?” Bucky didn’t mean to sound aggressive when he approached her.

 

“Oh. Hi” She didn’t sound surprised or angry. She was just calm, even though she looked like she could totally kill Bucky….using just her legs.

 

“So…..uh… you’re here for Steve right?”  _ Well duh, for what other reason? Dumbass. _

 

“Yeah, I wanted to be with him today.” 

 

Bucky felt curious and a little jealous? How does she know Steve? 

 

“It’s just not fair you know?” She started talking again, her voice was an indicator of how angry she really was with the situation. “Steve is the nicest person ever, it’s not fair this is happening to him. He should be out there celebrating, laughing, getting drunk or anything else, but instead he’s stuck in that bed for God knows how long.” 

Her words felt like a punch.

 

“He would probably had prefered to stay home reading comics though” As he said that, Bucky remembered all of Steve’s birthdays they had spent together.

 

“Heh….Yeah, sounds like Steve.” She smiled. She was really pretty. “Oh…by the way, I’m Natasha, you can call me Nat though. I’m Steve’s friend.”

 

Bucky didn’t know what to say. He was thinking of what was happening. He was partially glad she wasn’t romantically involved with Steve, she was really beautiful and charismatic, it wouldn't be a surprise if they were a couple. But when he was about to answer back. He was interrupted.

 

“You are Bucky am I right? You're famous, you know? He told everyone about you”

 

“What? To whom?”

 

“Sam, Clint and me. We met Steve before he fell in a coma. I think you already met Sam. I’m sorry if this is weird for you. He was always talking about you two, and how unfortunate it was you entered the army. He was really in a bad state when we met him.”

 

“I’m sorry” Bucky said it too quickly, he didn’t even think about it.

 

“You shouldn’t be, it’s not your fault you know.” Nat said as if he could read Bucky’s mind.

 

They just stood there, in silence, without saying a word.  _ God Bucky! You have to make everything awkward. _

 

“I came here because I didn’t want Steve to be alone on his birthday, but you’re here.” Nat said.

 

“Of course I am, I’m not leaving him alone.” Bucky said with a lot of determination.

 

For a brief moment Bucky could have sworn he saw a smirk on Nat’s face. She then answered.

 

“Then I leave you alone with him.” Nat said with as she reached for the door. “It was nice to meet you Bucky.”

 

“Yeah, you too.”

 

“You know, if you ever need something you can ask any of us, of course myself included,for anything. I think it'll probably be better if we keep in touch.” 

 

They exchanged numbers and then Nat left.

 

They were alone now.

 

Bucky slowly walked towards Steve, with both a smile and tears on his face. He didn’t want to be sad on Steve’s birthday, but he couldn’t help it.

 

They had a tradition of never singing happy birthday to each other, and Bucky was willing to continue with that tradition, but he began to sing Steve’s favorite song: I’ll Never Smile Again by Frank Sinatra.

Steve loved the guy, so it was perfectly logical to sing that on his birthday.

 

“I'll never smile again… Until I smile at you” He felt kind of dumb singing, but he wanted to do it.

 

“I'll never laugh again… What good would it do… For tears would fill my eyes… My heart would realize…” He couldn’t stop crying. He never realized the true meaning of the words, he didn’t realize that the song was telling their story.

 

“That our romance is true… I'll never love again” He reached the little box that was inside his pocket

 

“I'm so in love with you…..  I'll never thrill again….. To somebody new…. Within my heart” He didn’t know if he would be able to finish the song, every sentence became more difficult than the last.

 

“I know I will never start…. To smile again….. Until I smile at you” He grabbed Steve’s hand and planted a kiss on it.

 

“Within my heart….. I know I will never start…… To smile again” He placed the ring he bought on Steve’s finger. It looked perfect, it was made for Steve.

 

“Until I smile at you” He finished singing, and then Bucky let the fireworks cover the sound of him crying.

 

…

 

Everything changed in a september afternoon in which the air was cold, and it looked like it was about to rain.

 

Bucky didn’t feel like getting out of bed at all, he was tired, he had a hangover from all the alcohol he had consumed the night before, but that was nothing new, someone would have assumed he was used to it by then, but he wasn’t.

 

He wasn’t really into the idea of getting drunk or having a hangover, but things seemed easier, so he decided to try and it worked so it was worth it. 

 

But he couldn’t continue like this, he needed to visit Steve. Steve was the only reason that Bucky hadn’t lost complete control of himself.  He wanted to read to Steve again. It was fun to imagine the possible reactions he’d had with every word that Bucky read to him.

 

That day he went to the bookstore to buy a very popular book from the young adult section. Bucky would never read that kind of stuff, but Steve would love it, he really liked that type of stories, even if he denied it.

 

Almost every store had already put up Halloween decorations.  _ ‘Really? We’re in the middle of september’.  _ He really didn’t care though, it’s not like he ever dressed up as something, nor he had friends to go to a party with. He had received many invitations to hang out with Sam, Natasha and even Clint, but he turned all of them down. They already were a “squad”….”Steve’s squad” and he would just be a burden anyways.

 

The streets were surprisingly quiet, and deserted, it was nice. He didn’t have to worry about people looking at him. He was in no hurry, it was not like Steve would go anywhere, so he did something he hadn’t done in a long time; he decided to enjoy the calm, so he walked slowly, admiring every single detail of the environment that surrounded him. Most of the leaves in the trees were already yellow or orange, the air was surprisingly fresh… everything was beautiful. Bucky felt genuinely happy.

 

_ ‘Today is a good day. _ ’

 

That thought vanished as soon as he entered the hospital; everyone was running around like in a fucking carnival, there were more people than usual, he could see the staff switching between rooms, looking very anxious, focused and tired, all at the same time. A lot of people were screaming, some of them were crying. It started to stress Bucky out.

 

He continued walking towards Steve’s room, but the atmosphere was tensing up more and more with each step he took. 

 

The 4th floor was a mess, there were nurses running everywhere, they had a worried look on their faces. He could saw how a doctor quickly entered Steve’s room, he had a worried look on his face. Bucky just stood there speechless. 

 

_ ‘Wha- what is happening?’ _

 

There was a lot of noise all of a sudden, Bucky could not even hear his own thoughts. Everything was spinning around, Bucky tried not to fall. 

 

_ ‘No... it’s probably nothing. He’s fine….. He must be.’  _

 

“A defibrillator is needed on floor 4, a defibrillator is needed on the 4th floor”

The same message was repeated through the speakers.

 

_ ‘No… No no no! This can’t be happening. Not yet. Not like this.’  _

 

Bucky started running, as he reached Steve’s room a nurse stopped him.

 

“No! Please! Let me see him!” Bucky’s voice cracked, and tears started to flow, he never cried in front of strangers, but in that moment he didn’t give a fuck about that. 

 

“Please! I need to be with him! He’s my best friend!”

 

“I’m sorry, but the doctor needs space to work”

 

“NO! I don’t fucking care! I need to be by his side!” Bucky became extremely upset, why couldn’t he get in? It’s not like he would cause any trouble. 

 

No one would stop him from being with Steve, specially if he was dying. The poor nurse had to basically wrap her body around Bucky to stop him from going anywhere near Steve’s room while another nurse tried to calm Bucky down.

 

_ ‘This can’t be happening, not again, I can’t leave Steve alone. I can’t. Not again. I have to be with him, maybe if I… God. Steve! Don’t go. Please. You’re the only one I have left. We still have to make things right when you wake up… just… don’t go yet. Just stay with me, please? _

 

“I can’t leave him alone… “ Bucky said, now calmed “Not again. Please. Just let me see him. I can’t lose him again.” He stopped fighting, feeling his tears falling down his face.

 

The nurses knew Bucky by now, they knew exactly how much he cared about Steve. That was the only reason he wasn’t kicked out of the hospital.

 

The first nurse gently put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

 

“I… understand, but nothing happened to Steve. He’s fine.” She said that with a smile

 

“What? But what about the defibrillator?” Bucky slowly stopped crying.

 

“It wasn’t for Steve. Another patient in this floor had a heart attack.” 

 

Bucky’s heart felt light, but then he realized that there was a reason they wouldn’t let him see Steve.

 

“Then why wouldn’t you let me in? Besides, everybody was freaking out.”

 

“Steve woke up. The doctor’s checking on him right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it guys, be sure to leave a comment, thank you again for reading it and again, sorry it took us so long to upload it. We're not guaranteeing to upload the next chapter super early, but we will try our best. Thank you for reading our fic.


	4. Chapter 4

‘Bucky has been acting stranger than usual lately, there are days in which he won’t even talk to me. I know the reason behind it... He’s acting like this because of the kiss, I’m not stupid.

But to be honest… I didn’t think it would affect him that much. Was it really that terrible for him? Am I such a bad kisser? Probably. Unlike Bucky, I don’t have enough experience, but I think I did a decent job. I tried to make it good. I wanted that kiss to be perfect, not just for me, but for Bucky, he deserves the best kiss I can give. The least I could do was to make sure that my our kiss was “on his level”, it was our first and probably the only one after all.

Of course the morning after we kissed I pretended I didn’t remember, I thought it would make it a lot more easier for Bucky, I didn’t want to pressure him into talking about something that would make him uncomfortable, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. But now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I did it because he hadn't mentioned it, even if he acted strange. He never said a word about it.

I shouldn’t be surprised though, I mean it was my fault after all. I’ve been wanting to apologize to Bucky, but it’s kinda late now, he thinks I don’t remember it. God, if he only, if he knew that I kissed him because I wanted to... he would stop being my friend, no...he would hate me.

God fucking dammit! I ruined it. I hate myself. I hate the way he makes me feel... If I could change anything...  
I wish we never kissed…

I want Bucky to be happy again… There are not enough words to express how sorry I am Bucky.’

…

“No. No no no, just, NO!” He felt like punching himself. Bucky didn’t know how Steve felt… He never meant to hurt him. He didn’t know he was hurting him. 

He was protecting him… wasn’t he? He always did… Right? 

He didn’t know how he was holding down his tears anymore. Steve loved him with every cell of his body. And Bucky left him alone.

He was such a coward.

He skipped a few more pages and continued reading.

…

‘I wasn’t gonna write anything today. To be honest, I still don’t want to write, I don’t think I can. But I need to. I must. I gotta get this off my chest.

I want to forget it… if I can. 

So… Bucky wrote me a letter message? He’s leaving. He joined the fucking army!  
I don’t know why I didn’t realise it earlier, probably I was in denial. I ignored all the signs. I remember seeing his uniform, I remember the day he showed up with his head almost shaved. I hoped that maybe in the end he wouldn’t go. I was wrong.

I went to his apartment, but he was not there, I knew he wouldn’t, but I did it anyways; searched everywhere looking for him. It was useless. He was gone and I’m… broken.

I’ve lost everything. Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky. But now I lost him too.’

…

The journal has pages with multiple stains in them, it was obvious that Steve had been crying when he wrote those words. The ink was so smeared that some of the paragraphs were impossible to read.

There was no doubt that if the next pages were similar to the last one, Steve’s tears wouldn’t be the only ones in the journal.

 

…

I’m sorry Buck. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry about everything... I’m sorry I kissed you and I know I acted so stupid, I didn’t even stop to think of the possible consequences. I’m sorry. You should have told me you needed space. You should have told me you didn’t want to be friends anymore… I would have done everything you asked for, I really would’ve. You didn’t have to go to the other side of the fucking world just to get rid of me. I would move to another city, to another state, to another fucking country if you had asked. 

I’m sorry Buck. I let my feelings out of control. Forgive me. Just… Please… come back.

…

Several pages were torn after that one and when Bucky finally found a paragraph that was somewhat understandable, he didn’t hesitate to read, he needed to know everything.  
…  
If you ever get to read this...

Bucky;

I shouldn’t have fallen in love. At least not with you. I always knew that. I knew you would never feel the same, you are straight after all. 

But I had hope.

I wanted to think that our love would overcome everything. I still dream of the day in which you’ll say you love me back. But that day will never come, I know that now, I am aware that thinking like that is fucking stupid! 

But I had hope.

I hoped for a perfect love, a love that could only be real in novels. I didn’t suppress my feelings because I longed for the happiness I could have felt besides you. I didn’t stop loving you because I had hope. 

But something even bigger than my love for you was the irony; I was the very one who made you leave me. 

I’ve decided to not repeat my mistakes.

I will wait for you, I will wait for you to come back. I don’t care if you take four, five, or even eighty years, I will always be here waiting . And when you do, I’m NEVER letting you go again.

…

That was the last straw for Bucky. He wanted to see Steve. No. He needed to see him. Even if it was 4 in the fucking morning, which it was, he didn’t care. 

Was this all a dream? Was this a fucking nightmare? He wanted it to be. Steve could not be in a coma, he just couldn’t. Bucky would have given anything to change places with Steve. But he couldn’t.

There was one thing though, one thing he could do... With determination running through his veins, he got up from his bed, and quickly put a pair of pants, a shirt and his hoodie. He rushed through the door, not giving a rat’s ass about locking it. 

The second he got out of the building, he was received by the cold air punching his face, he didn’t care, he had one goal; He had to go with Steve. He had already visited him everyday, but that was before the journal, that was before he knew the truth. Steve loved him and… Bucky loved him too. 

Even if it was that early in the morning, the streets were full with people, but Bucky didn’t pay attention to any of them, he just continued running, thinking about how much he wanted to see Steve. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to see him laugh, he just wanted to be there for him.

Several times he almost got run over, the crowds were big enough to overwhelm him and even to cause him another anxiety attack, but Bucky couldn’t allow himself to be defeated, not when Steve needed him, not when he needed Steve. 

He ran for not much more than 30 minutes, but that was nothing compared to what he would do for Steve. 

He arrived to the hospital and entered slamming the door open, catching the attention of some people, not only because of his great entrance, but also because of his looks; his face, which was very poorly shaven, was incredibly pale, well, except for the purplish circles under his eyes and his once enviable shoulder-long hair was greasy and messy. It would be no surprise if he was confused for a drug-addict serial killer. 

The elevator was the fucking slowest thing on the planet… eventually, he got to the 4th floor.   
He knew the way to the room 409 by memory.

He opened the door as slowly as he could, he didn’t want to disturb Steve, which was stupid because, he knew he was in a coma, but he didn’t really know how that whole thing worked.   
Steve was lying there, completely still in the same position as ever.   
He took a moment to contemplate Steve; he looked so perfect, his cheekbones were so defined, his hair was still that light blonde Bucky loved, but his body looked so different, he was a lot taller than he used to, but it’s understandable, they had separated more than 4 years ago…also his body was way more developed than before.  
And yet Steve looked tired, no, he looked exhausted, sick. He didn’t want Steve to look like that, to look… helpless.   
“Hi Stevie” Bucky said almost whispering. “Sorry if I’m intruding, it’s just… I really wanted to tell you something.”

He pulled a chair and moved it closer to Steve’s bed, then he sat on it and rubbed his face with his hands still cold.

“So… um I read your dia..., sorry, journal…. Aaaand I know I shouldn’t have, but Sam (it is Sam right?) gave it to me and, well one thing led to another and… yeah….Ahem. Anyways look, I read this thing about me…. and you know…”  
Talking was way harder than Bucky thought it would, even if Steve was in a freakin’ coma.  
“Focus Barnes…. what I’m trying to say is that I know that you have feelings for me. Feelings that I never even noticed…..I’m sorry. I’m sorry about many things Stevie; I’m sorry I wasn’t a good friend, I’m sorry I left you, I’m sorry I never told you how I really felt about you. I don’t even know if you’re listening, I don’t even know if… you’re gonna wake up. But it’s better late than never...”

Bucky stood up and moved even closer to Steve, he softly grabbed his left hand and planted a kiss in it.

“The thing is that I love you. I love you Steve. Only after all this time I realized it and I know it’s probably too late, but I love you so much Steve. And when you… when you wake up I will be here, waiting for you. I don’t care how long it takes, but I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I’m with you ‘till the end of the line.” 

He wanted to kiss him on the lips, but at the same time, his moral was yelling at him not to, so he ended up gently kissing Steve’s forehead.

Bucky pressed his body against the bed, and just cried all night long.  
…

The days passed by and Bucky would visit Steve during each one of them.   
It didn’t matter if it was in the morning, at noon, or even when everyone was sleeping, he would always visit him, he didn’t want Steve to wake up alone.   
Countless hours Bucky spent with Steve during those days; sometime he would read to him, some other times he would put his favorite music for him and on other ones he wouldn’t say a word, he would spend the whole day looking at Steve.  
But there were days in which would Bucky talk, telling the tale of the many different lives they could have lived. Together.   
They could have lived together; they could have adopted a pet; they could have slow danced in their living room; fought about silly stuff like ‘who ate the last cookie’.

There were so many things that were left unfinished, so many things that never even started.

Eventually, the days turned into weeks, and Steve wouldn’t wake up. 

When the hospital called Bucky to tell him about Steve, they told him that there was the possibility of Steve dying during the first night, yet he didn’t and Bucky was so grateful because of that; he actually began to believe that his luck was changing, he thought that maybe Steve would wake up in no time yet he didn’t.   
Although he didn’t want to admit it, Bucky could see Steve getting thinner and paler. But he refused to think about the worst case scenario. He wouldn’t accept that, specially because he wouldn’t lose hope, he owned Steve that much.  
Still, Steve didn’t seem to get better. 

Bucky was tired of not being able to do anything to help Steve, well, he could do something for him, he could only wait, and the waiting was the worst part. 

He started drinking, he didn’t want to worry anymore. 

He wasn’t stupid though, he knew that drinking would make everything worse , the doctors told him that he couldn’t consume alcohol while taking his meds but… a few drinks wouldn’t harm, right?

He only wanted everything to be over. He prayed every night for it to be over.

 

…

Steve’s birthday was almost too difficult for Bucky to handle. The streets looked like the statue of liberty had puked all over them and everyone seemed so…. happy. Too happy, it made Bucky sick, but it was understandable, it was July the 4th after all.

He walked slower than usual, he wasn’t even sure if he really would be able to visit Steve. But all of his doubts suddenly disappeared when he saw a certain object being displayed in a certain store. The second he saw it, he knew it’d be a perfect gift. It was so amazing. It was so….Steve.

Room 409 had some presents, three to be exact, Bucky figured out that probably one was from that guy he met at Steve’s, Sam, which was really not surprising, Steve was really charming, he was really a catch, yet Bucky didn’t know why no girl was interested in Steve, he didn’t knew from whom were the other presents.

There was someone else in the room, someone Bucky had never seen before, a woman with flaming red hair.

“Hello…?” Bucky didn’t mean to sound aggressive when he approached her.

“Oh. Hi” She didn’t sound surprised or angry. She was just calm, even though she looked like she could totally kill Bucky….using just her legs.

“So…..uh… you’re here for Steve right?” Well duh, for what other reason? Dumbass.

“Yeah, I wanted to be with him today.” 

Bucky felt curious and a little jealous? How does she know Steve? 

“It’s just not fair you know?” She started talking again, her voice was an indicator of how angry she really was with the situation. “Steve is the nicest person ever, it’s not fair this is happening to him. He should be out there celebrating, laughing, getting drunk or anything else, but instead he’s stuck in that bed for God knows how long.”   
Her words felt like a punch.

“He would probably had prefered to stay home reading comics though” As he said that, Bucky remembered all of Steve’s birthdays they had spent together.

“Heh….Yeah, sounds like Steve.” She smiled. She was really pretty. “Oh…by the way, I’m Natasha, you can call me Nat though. I’m Steve’s friend.”

Bucky didn’t know what to say. He was thinking of what was happening. He was partially glad she wasn’t something more, she was really beautiful, it would not be a surprise they were a couple. But when he was about to answer back. He was interrupted.

“You must be Bucky right? Steve talked about you all the time.”

“What? To whom?”

“Sam, Clint and me. We met Steve before he fell in a coma. I think you already met Sam. I’m sorry if this is weird for you. He was always talking about you two, and how unfortunate it was you entered the army. He was really in a bad state when we met him.”

“I’m sorry” Bucky said it too quickly, he didn’t even think about it.

“You shouldn’t be, it’s not your fault you know.” Nat said as if he could read Bucky’s mind.

They just stood there, in silence, without saying a word. God Bucky! You have to make everything awkward. 

“I came here because I didn’t want Steve to be alone on his birthday, but you’re here.” Nat said.

“Of course I am, I’m not leaving him alone.” Bucky said with a lot of determination.

For a brief moment Bucky could have sworn he saw a smirk on Nat’s face. She then answered.

“Then I leave you alone with him.” Nat said with as she reached for the door. “It was nice to meet you Bucky.”

“Yeah, you too.”

“You know, if you ever need something you can ask us, me included, for anything. I’ll give you my number so we can keep on touch.” 

They exchanged numbers and then Nat left.

They were alone now.

Bucky slowly walked towards Steve, with both a smile and tears on his face. He didn’t want to be sad on Steve’s birthday, but he couldn’t help it.

They had a tradition of never singing happy birthday to each other, and Bucky was willing to continue with that tradition, but he began to sing Steve’s favorite song: I’ll Never Smile Again by Frank Sinatra.  
Steve loved the guy, so it was perfectly logical to sing that on his birthday.

“I'll never smile again… Until I smile at you” He felt kind of dumb singing, but he wanted to do it.

“I'll never laugh again… What good would it do… For tears would fill my eyes… My heart would realize…” He couldn’t stop crying. He never realized the true meaning of the words, he didn’t realize that the song was telling their story.

“That our romance is true… I'll never love again” He reached the little box that was inside his pocket

“I'm so in love with you….. I'll never thrill again….. To somebody new…. Within my heart” He didn’t know if he would be able to finish the song, every sentence became more difficult than the last.

“I know I will never start….To smile again…..Until I smile at you” He grabbed Steve’s hand and planted a kiss on it.  
“Within my heart…...I know I will never start……..To smile again” He placed the ring he bought on Steve’s finger. It looked perfect, it was made for Steve.

“Until I smile at you” He finished singing, and then Bucky let the fireworks cover the sound of him crying.  
…

Everything changed in a september afternoon in which the air was cold, and it looked like it was about to rain.

Bucky didn’t feel like getting out of bed at all, he was tired, he had a hangover from all the alcohol he had consumed the night before, but that was nothing new, someone would have assumed he was used to it by then, but he wasn’t.

He wasn’t really into the idea of getting drunk or having a hangover, but things seemed easier, so he decided to try and it worked so it was worth it. 

But he couldn’t continue like this, he needed to visit Steve. Steve was the only reason that Bucky hadn’t lost complete control of himself.

He wanted to read to Steve again. It was fun to imagine the possible reactions he’d had with every word that Bucky read to him.

That day he went to the bookstore to buy a very popular book from the young adult section. Bucky would never read that kind of stuff, but Steve would love it, he really liked that type of stories, even if he denied it.

Almost every store had already put up Halloween decorations. ‘Really? We’re in the middle of september’. He really didn’t care though, it’s not like he ever dressed up as something, nor he had friends to go to a party with. He had received many invitations to hang out with Sam, Natasha and even Clint, but he turned all of them down. They already were a “squad”….”Steve’s squad” and he would just be a burden anyways.

The streets were surprisingly quiet, and deserted, it was nice. He didn’t have to worry about people looking at him. He was in no hurry, it was not like Steve would go anywhere, so he did something he hadn’t done in a long time; he decided to enjoy the calm, so he walked slowly, admiring every single detail of the environment that surrounded him. Most of the leaves in the trees were already yellow or orange, the air was surprisingly fresh….. everything was beautiful. Bucky felt genuinely happy.

‘Today is a good day.’

That thought vanished as soon as he entered the hospital; everyone was running around like in a fucking carnival, there were more people than usual, he could see the staff switching between rooms, looking very anxious, focused and tired, all at the same time. A lot of people were screaming, some of them were crying. It started to stress Bucky out.

He continued to walking towards Steve’s room, but the atmosphere was tensing up more and more with each step he took. 

The 4th floor was a mess, there were nurses running everywhere, they had a worried look on their faces. He could saw how a doctor quickly entered Steve’s room, he had a worried look on his face. Bucky just stood there speechless. 

‘Wha- what is happening?’

There was a lot of noise all of a sudden, Bucky could not even hear his own thoughts. Everything was spinning around, Bucky tried not to fall. 

‘No... it’s probably nothing. He’s fine….. He must be.’ 

“A defibrillator is needed on floor 4, a defibrillator is needed on the 4th floor”  
The same message was repeated through the speakers.

‘No… No no no! This can’t be happening. Not yet. Not like this.’ 

Bucky started running, as he reached Steve’s room a nurse stopped him.

“No! Please! Let me see him!” Bucky’s voice cracked, and tears started to flow, he never cried in front of strangers, but in that moment he didn’t give a fuck about that. 

“Please! I need to be with him! He’s my best friend!”

“I’m sorry, but the doctor needs space to work”

“NO! I don’t fucking care! I need to be by his side!” Bucky became extremely upset, why couldn’t he get in? It’s not like he would cause any trouble. 

No one would stop him from being with Steve, specially if he was dying. The poor nurse had to basically wrap her body around Bucky to stop him from going anywhere near Steve’s room while another nurse tried to calm Bucky down.

‘This can’t be happening, not again, I can’t leave Steve alone. I can’t. Not again. I have to be with him, maybe if I… God. Steve! Don’t go. Please. You’re the only one I have left. We still have to make things right when you wake up… just… don’t go yet. Just stay with me, please?

“I can’t leave him alone… “ Bucky said, now calmed “Not again. Please. Just let me see him. I can’t lose him again.” He stopped fighting, feeling his tears falling down his face.

The nurses knew Bucky by now, they knew exactly how much he cared about Steve. That was the only reason he wasn’t kicked out of the hospital.

The first nurse gently put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“I… understand, but nothing happened to Steve. He’s fine.” She said that with a smile

“What? But what about the defibrillator?” Bucky slowly stopped crying.

“It wasn’t for Steve. Another patient in this floor had a heart attack.” 

Bucky’s heart felt light, but then he realized that there was a reason they wouldn’t let him see Steve.

“Then why wouldn’t you let me in? Besides, everybody was freaking out.”

“Steve woke up. The doctor’s checking on him right now.”


	5. *UPDATE*

Hey guys, sorry for the delay. REALLY. I just can't upload it. Every episode we take turn for being in charge of the chapter. I'm not in charge of chapter five, so I'm really sorry. It's not my fault. But I will personally make sure that you get chapter 6 as soon as possible. I love you guys, please don't hate us. Again, I'm really really really sorry. Please, be patient. I will see if I can upload it, but I can't promise you guys something. Sorry.

-jerogc8

Hi. first of all I just wanted to apologize, it is indeed my turn to write the draft, and it has been ready for a long time and I haven't uploaded it. There is a reason behind that. As I already explained to jerogc8, I've been having a very rough couple of weeks, I've been dealing with a lot of personal things which had left me as a complete emotional mess and honestly during that time, everything I came up with was extremely crappy. So I decided to clear my mind. I hope you guys understand that I'd rather take my time to be healthy emotionally speaking, so I can do a job that I'm actually quite satisfied with, than rush everything and end up with a shitty story. Once again I'm extremely sorry I hope you still follow the story after this. 

-sinful_idiot. 


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